Dear Deanna!
My ex-boyfriend’s a drug dealer that’s been in jail for 13 years and getting ready to be released. I got married shortly after he was put in prison because I had to go on with my life. He’ll be out after Thanksgiving and he called me and said he’s coming to my house and he’s going to kick my door down and throw my husband out. I don’t know what to do.
Keyona
Patterson, NJ
Dear Keyona:
Don’t let this turkey spoil your Thanksgiving holiday. Sounds like you didn’t find closure between getting rid of one man and settling down with another. Let your husband know what’s going on immediately. Don’t panic because your ex-boyfriend will be on probation when he’s released. If he comes to your door with drama---smile while dialing 911 and his parole violation will send him back to jail just in time for Christmas.
Dear Deanna!
My sister is a sellout to the Black race because she purposely limits herself to dating White guys. She has the impression White men treat her better, and give her more financially but she won’t be seen with them in Black public places. She needs to keep it real and admit she’s only using these White men for material things.
Marcus
Houston, TX
Dear Marcus:
A White man can treat a Black woman as good or as bad as a Black man can. You’re right---she’s limiting herself if she wants to stay inside Jungle Fever and not experience the red, green, olive and whatever other colors of men out there. Accept the fact your sister is playing silly love games and be there when the chips fall. With this type behavior, she’s going to need a shoulder to cry on soon.
Dear Deanna!
My husband had an affair and left me for an ex-prostitute. He said he left because I lost my excitement and sex appeal. I admit, I let myself go and I gained a little weight. He never judged his new woman with her past because he felt she changed for the better. Then he caught her in bed with another man and now he’s begging to come back because he said he made a mistake.
Confused Spouse
Chicago, IL
Dear Confused:
The grass isn’t greener on the other side. Your husband needed to water the grass he had with acceptance and fertilize it with love and he wouldn’t have made this stupid mistake. Immediately get tested for HIV and other STD’s, and then head to professional marriage counseling. Oh yeah, the other woman. Think of her as a pet and your husband should be more convinced that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Dear Deanna!
I’m coming clean with my conscience and need to tell my husband that I don’t love him anymore. We’ve been married for a few years but I want to be single again. I want to come and go as I please, keep all my money to myself and not have to cook and clean. I’m simply tired of being married and there’s no one else involved. How do I tell my husband it’s over?
Anonymous
Philadelphia, PA
Dear Anonymous:
Your husband was born at night, it just wasn’t last night. There’s something else to this story because like a light switch, love can’t be switched on and off. I suggest you pull away from your advising girlfriends who you haven’t mentioned, but they’re in the mix. Seek a solution by talking with your husband about your true feelings, emotions, and desires. Honesty may open the door and who knows, your husband may see you as a smelly rose.
Dear Deanna!
I get annoyed when my wife sits around gossiping. Every time she gets with her girlfriends, they chatter and talk about people. These girls aren’t of any value to her because when they re-tell the story, my wife is the one who ends up looking bad. They twist the story as if she said everything and arguments and a lot of drama gets started. How do I tell my wife this needs to stop because it’s affecting our relationship?
James
Pasadena, CA
Dear James:
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell your wife that gossip is bad and evil. There are at least five or more Bible verses in Proverbs that teach about gossip. You should hit your wife in the head hard and fast with Proverbs 11:13 which says that a gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. That’s more than enough wisdom to explain why her friends throw her under the bus when she runs her mouth.
Dear Deanna!
I’m a single lady that adopted a child. I feel guilty because I didn’t realize it would be so much work. My family and I parted over this decision because they said it would be too much to handle. I love my adopted son but now I want a relationship, marriage and children of my own. Are there any resources available to keep me from taking my frustrations out on my son?
Missy
Charleston, SC
Dear Missy:
Regardless of how they get here, children require love, patience, and commitment of which you have very little. Your family knew what they were talking about but, no, you were hard-headed and now you’re suffering from your decision. You need to get yourself together before thinking beyond your current situation. Seek professional counseling for yourself and visit www.adopting.org for adoption resources and assistance.
Dear Deanna!
My husband and I separated because of finances. While separated he met someone else and had a child. We are now talking about getting back together but I want to adjust to having a stepchild and dealing with another woman. He’s moving too fast and I think he’s up to something. He’s having arguments with this woman and there are whispers of child support issues. How do I tell him I don’t want to be in this mess?
Jeanna T.
Birmingham, AL
Dear Jeanna:
Regardless of your decision, you’ll have a cheater, confusion, and "baby momma drama" if you take him back. Your husband having a baby by another woman didn’t show he wanted to get back with you for the right reasons. He’s looking for a place to stay and help with child support. He needs to work out his issues. You need to feed him with a long handle spoon, and watch him like a hawk before taking him back. | |
Dear Deanna!
I think my girlfriend is cheating. She’s changed and only wants to spend time with her friends and gives me no attention. Intimacy is almost invisible. The only time she perks up and gets a light in her eyes is when she’s going out with her girlfriends. I’ve noticed her hair has changed, her perfume is different and new lingerie. I’m not getting the benefits of these things. How do I ask if she’s cheating?
James
Charleston, SC
Dear James:
Time to connect with your feminine side and maximize your sixth sense. If it looks like a cheating woman, then it is a cheating woman. She’s happy to go out with her friends because that’s a cover up to meet her other man. There’s nothing to ask because the evidence is in your face. You have two choices. Be a fool and sit and watch it happen with your crushed heart on your sleeve or man up, address the issue and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I’ve managed to turn my life of sex, drugs and sin around and I’m so happy. The only thing missing is a relationship. I admit that I’m a Christian but keep slipping each time I get with a man. I feel bad about giving up my body and then the relationship doesn’t work out. How can I remain saved and still date without losing the man because of physical contact?
Linda
Orlando, FL
Dear Linda:
You’re a grown woman and can control everything that goes in, on or around your body. There’s no excuse other than weakness, skinny faith and low-self esteem that causes you to sacrifice your temple. Stop dealing with men that aren’t Godly and in sync with your commitment of faith. If you date a Godly man and he kicks you to the curb for holding out, then he wasn’t who he claimed to be. God should occupy your mind and when it’s time for a physical mate, he’ll send you one.
Dear Deanna!
I’m a teen and I think I’ve realized I want to be gay. I’m not attracted to boys and find myself watching girls and thinking about them. All of my other friends are gay and I’m becoming the same way. No one in my family is gay and my mother wouldn’t understand because she’s a Christian. Am I stuck with a future that’s making me gay or do I have a chance to have a normal marriage and have kids?
Confused
Memphis, TN
Dear Confused:
You still have milk behind your ears and don’t need to think about being with a girl or boy at this stage in your life. You’re caught up in peer pressure and are leaning towards what the rest of the crowd is doing. You’re not gay. You’re just a teen with confusion and the need for acceptance. Focus on your spiritual relationship, educational goals, and hobbies that’ll help you grow and soon be on to other things.
Dear Deanna!
I have a boyfriend that I’m in love with. We’re in a serious relationship, and he's great. I’m a Pastor's kid, and my boyfriend is a gang member. He doesn't understand how hurt I am because he is heading down the wrong path. I know that God has to do the rest, but should I hang on?
Anonymous
On-Line Reader
Dear Anonymous:
You could be the child of a Pastor, a Banker, a Drunk, or a Fool and the answer would be the same. Don’t get involved with gang activity because bullets, drive-by shootings and gang wars don’t discriminate. With your church foundation and teaching, you know the way and if your boyfriend refuses this path, you can only pray for him. You should hang on to your faith and strong prayer and let go and let God do the rest.
Dear Deanna!
I’m at the point of forcing my husband to choose between his mother and me. My husband is a momma’s boy and he runs for her beck and call. I think she does a lot of this on purpose to show me that she has more power. I can’t take it after her last trick. She called my husband while we were in the bed to come and close her garage door. She knew we were in the bed and this is the last straw for me. Am I wrong?
Leah
Atlanta, GA
Dear Leah:
You got punked. Your mother-in-law flipped the script and hid her flaws until after the wedding. Then again, you were so blindly in love with her son that you looked past her and thought you would win with a wedding ring. Obviously your husband doesn’t see a problem if he hasn’t stepped in. Provide examples to help your husband see your point of view without being offensive. Most importantly, stay on her good side and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I’m a single parent divorcee. I met a military man online and in the past six months, he’s been talking about marriage. He’s given me an engagement ring and we talk about family, credit and everything else. We love each other and I want to marry this man but my two previous marriages failed due to finances and adultery. I’m scared and don’t want to have another failed marriage. He keeps telling me he’s a keeper. Is this fate?
S.A.
Dumfries, VA
Dear S.A.
Your marriage is already doomed if you go into it with a mindset of divorce and failure. The best investment you can make right now is intense marriage counseling. Be sure you’re not on the rebound or marrying for the wrong reasons. If you want to know about fate, invite God into your relationship with this man and see how things turn out. As for the Online Cassanova, be sure he’s the same on his feet as he is in cyberspace.
Dear Deanna!
An ex-boyfriend has resurfaced after three years and is out of a job and doing bad. Towards the end of our relationship, I was down on my luck, drinking and living with a friend. He was using me for sex and not supporting me. I’ve gotten myself together. I’ve told him I’ve changed and after a dinner and some time with my family, he thinks he’s back in and wants a commitment. I can’t be with this needy man. Am I being cruel for not helping him or should I wait and let destiny come around?
Anonymous
Las Vegas, NV
Dear Anonymous:
It takes one time for a dog to bite in order to realize that it hurts. You came through the fire and now you’re standing strong, tall and blessed. The pendulum of karma swings back and your ex-boyfriend is receiving exactly what he put out there. Do yourself a favor and support him from a distance with encouraging words and helpful references. Anything else will set you up for a fall and put you in the middle of his pity party.
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! Email: askdeanna1@yahoo.com or write: Deanna M, 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her web site at www.askdeanna.com. |
