Real People, Real Advice

 
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based
subjects.
 
Dear Deanna!
Over the years I have built a reputation as a strong, independent woman. Now that I’m older I want to date, settle down and get married. However the men I meet are weak, have financial problems and don’t want to commit to me. I go on dates, but when these men see that I’m on their level, they become intimidated and can’t deal with me. Do I need to lower myself to their level because I don’t know what else to do?
Teresa
Columbia, SC
 
Dear Teresa:
You need to get over yourself because, seriously, you’re not all that. You seem to have a complex that comes across as rude and arrogant instead of strong and confident. There’s a possibility the men you meet are fine, but your superior attitude causes you to miss the essence of a man’s character. Stop being so high and mighty and learn to focus on the man’s qualities and get to know him before passing judgment, which causes your many lonely nights.
 
Dear Deanna!
My sister buys clothing that is too adult for her high school daughter. My niece is developed and can pass for an older woman. Her wardrobe of mini-skirts, revealing tops and high heels is too much for me to handle. Her mother and I argue because she wants her daughter to be feminine and up-to-date with fashion, but I feel she looks like a hoochie half of the time, and men may disrespect her. Am I wrong to have a talk with my niece, or do I leave things alone?
Concerned Aunt
Indianapolis, IN
 
Dear Concerned Aunt:
It’s okay to be a nosy aunt, but you may have to remove your nose from your sisters business.  This wardrobe issue is a two way street, because your sister is buying the clothes, and, obviously, your niece is wearing them. They only complaint is from you, which is a true safety concern, but is being received as player hating and nagging. The only thing you can do is talk with your niece to ensure she behaves properly regardless of her attire, hope for the best and keep it moving.
 
Dear Deanna!
I’m gay and my family has a hard time accepting this. I played by all the rules by wearing dresses, acting feminine and going along with a role. Now that I’m out on my own and have revealed my sexual preference, my family is going off on me left and right. They are threatening to kick me out of the family, cursing out my partner and making my life miserable. I’m out of high school and on my way to college, and could use their support. How do I choose?
Miranda
Dallas, TX
 
Dear Miranda:
You’re fresh out of high school and don’t know much about life, family values or anything else.  As a matter of fact, you don’t know yourself, and if you read the Bible, you’ll learn about love, life, sex and relationships. Clear your mind and evaluate your goals and life plans and determine if you want peace and success or drama and negativity. Your choice will be clear as you gain
experience and begin to actively participate in this thing called “Life.”

Dear Deanna!
I had a friend that was lonely and unhappy, so I decided to help her. I asked her to be my roommate and introduced her to my crowd. She later told our mutual friends about my personal business and she became best friends with them. They told lies about me around campus, my grades deteriorated, and I lost my friends. I have wanted to get back at her for backstabbing me.  How do I repair a ruined reputation and deal with these vicious two-faced people?
Totally Ruined
On-Line Reader
 
Dear Ruined:
Consider yourself lucky that your so-called friends have been revealed as wolves. These weren’t your friends to begin with, and you shouldn’t let them see you stressed. Hold your head high, get a life, and find a new set of friends with high values and morals. These two-faced people are beneath you, and you should separate yourself. Get a tutor to help pull your grades up, and stick with people that have common interests. Stay positive, smile and keep it moving.
 
Dear Deanna!
My girlfriend is sending mixed signals about our relationship. At times, she makes me feel as if I’m the only one for her, and other times she makes me feel as if she doesn’t want me. As long as I’m spending money and things go her way, she’s happy. When things aren’t rosy or I have an issue or need attention, she acts funny. I’m beginning to feel like she’s using me, but I don’t know how to approach her. How do I ask where I stand in this relationship?
Wayne
Altus, OK
 
Dear Wayne:
You’re being used and have allowed yourself to become a financial sponsor. If you can’t pull the money away and still get the girl, you have your answer. She doesn’t give a damn about you. Her emotions are tied to your money and what she can get out of you. You can make an effort, and let her know you’re scaling back on the spending and ask to have your needs met. If she agrees to work on this, then stick with it. If not, pack your bags and exit stage left.
 
Dear Deanna!
My mother is driving me crazy because she forgets that she’s over 40 and tries to dress like she’s 20 years old. I get tired of telling her how bad she looks, but the more I tell her, the worse it gets. My boyfriend laughs and thinks it’s cute, but it’s not. How do I respectfully tell my mother she needs to get her act together? I’m afraid she’s going to get embarrassed really bad in public.
Anonymous
Milwaukee, WI
 
Dear Anonymous:
If your mother chooses to look a hot mess, then you should mind your business and let her take the risk of personal humiliation. It’s not easy because it’s your mom, and if she’s comfortable and has high self-esteem, then so be it. However, if you truly insist on helping her, whip out your credit card and take her on a shopping spree. If you’re not willing to do this, button your lips, and
keep it moving.
 
Dear Deanna!
My daughter is causing a split between her father and me. She’s taking the daddy’s girl relationship a bit too far. Initially we all went along with it until my daughter realized her power.  She has become demanding, forcing my husband to take her side over mine, and it’s affecting our marriage. My husband eats it up, but he can’t see that my daughter is causing problems.  He says I’m jealous, and it’ll be over shortly. How do I handle this?
Patsy K
Charlotte, NC
 
Dear Patsy:
Your daughter doesn’t pay any bills and with that in mind, she doesn’t run anything. You need to put your foot down and make your husband stop playing kiddie games with your child. He needs to place the word no in his vocabulary and realize he has a wife who is the primary decision maker with equal weight and power. True, you may be jealous, but you’re certainly right to close this issue before your husband finds himself single with an empty house.
 
Dear Deanna!
I’m a single parent at the end of my rope with my teen kids. I feel as if they’ve taken me hostage, and I’m a slave meeting their demands. I go to work and come home to a dirty house, and they are always asking for money, clothes and fast food. When I try to discipline one child, the others take sides and gang up on me. I’ve asked my family and my pastor for help, and looked into counseling. I feel as if I’m a bad parent with these wild kids. What do I do?
Naomi
Birmingham, AL
 
Dear Naomi:
If your children are behaving as if they have no sense, you need to put them out. If there’s no father in the house, you can solve that by getting your brothers, uncles and male cousins involved. You need to map out a plan: implement some rules and discipline. If they don’t go along with what you say, too bad, because you’re the parent and the breadwinner. Give them the option to obey or pack their stuff and get out, if they want to play by their own rules.

Dear Deanna!
My son is growing up to be a very angry little boy because he misses his father. I had a relationship with his dad but broke up with him because I wanted to be with someone else. My son doesn’t like my new boyfriend. He is misbehaving, throwing tantrums, and his personality has changed. I want to take him to counseling but wanted to ask if you think he’s rebelling because he doesn’t see his real father anymore?
Anonymous
Denver, CO
 
Dear Anonymous:
Your son is hurt because his father is gone and you brought in a new uncle. As parents, you had an obligation to explain the changes to your son so he could adjust. In a child’s mind, he sees his father leave, and another man is now kissing his mother. Focus your attention on your child and get to the root of his problems. If counseling is an option for your son, be prepared and open minded to some personal lifestyle changes, because the results will be priceless.
 
Dear Deanna!
I have two best friends that are always talking about each other. I listen to what they say, but I never repeat anything that I hear. They’re going back and forth right now harder than ever, and I’m being forced to choose sides. I don’t have an issue with either one of them, and I think they’re being unfair. How do I choose who I want to be friends with, because I can’t be friends with both of them?
Nicki
Buffalo, NY
 
Dear Nicki:
Do yourself a favor and lose some weight by dropping both of them. If they don’t value your friendship enough to shield you from their drama and games, then they don’t deserve your friendship. You’re not part of the problem now, but if you choose one over the other, you become a target from the other one. Before you make a decision, see if you can help your friends resolve their issues, and, if not, call it a three-way split and keep it moving.
 
Dear Deanna!
I walked away from a long marriage, a new home and a family because I wasn’t happy. My husband and kids took me for granted and walked over me. I did all I thought was necessary such as counseling, hiring babysitters for the kids and losing weight. No one in the family has noticed or cared about my pain or cries for help or attention. Now that I’m gone, ignoring everybody, they don’t know what to do and are begging me to come home. What do I do?
Torn Wife
St. Louis, MO
 
Dear Torn Wife:
You need to have a major discussion with your husband who appears to be part of the problem.  Your children don’t have a choice but to fall in line because they don’t pay any bills. Provide a list of your needs and wants and present them to your husband so you can get on the same page. If he’s willing to accommodate the important things on your list, then you have a chance of restoring your marriage and regaining personal balance and footing in the household.
 
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! Via Email:  askdeanna1@yahoo.com or 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211
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