Real People, Real Advice

 
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based
subjects.

Dear Deanna!
I ended my relationship with my boyfriend because I thought I wanted someone more active, exciting and who could give me thrills. I now realize I had everything I needed in the man I was with. My ex-boyfriend has a good job making a lot of money, and he’s dating someone else. I want him back, and it hurts me to look at this woman living the life I was supposed to have. How do I approach him and let him know that I want another chance?
Anonymous
Charleston, SC

Dear Anonymous:
You didn’t miss the water until the well ran dry, and now you have to look at the life you missed out on. You got what you deserved because you were selfish and only thought about yourself and your agenda. It appears he’s happy in his new relationship. You can call him on the phone or talk to him direct. However, you must remember that you left him for another man. If he rejects you, or hurts your feelings, get over it because the pendulum of karma just swung back.

Dear Deanna!
I’m in a dilemma and don’t know how to get out of it. I got caught up in my relationship and asked my girlfriend to marry me. I realize now this is the wrong decision, and this is not the woman I want to spend my life with. We’ve dated for a few years, and now her wedding plans are in full swing. Her mother has called caterers, ordered dresses, and printed invitations. It’s getting out of hand, and I’m nervous and scared. How do I end this now?
Wrong Groom
Washington, DC

Dear Wrong:
You need to put the brakes on this ordeal immediately. Many people are going to be hurt, but you should prevent financial loss, pain and embarrassment while you can. Be a man and tell your girlfriend the truth, and offer to reimburse everyone for money they’ve spent. Once you’ve done this, you need to end the relationship. If you choose not to be committed, don’t play any more games. You need to close the deal on a good note and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!
I’m having huge arguments with my girlfriend because she can’t seem to get enough of her friends. We have a social life that’s active, considering our jobs and lifestyle. All of a sudden, she wants to go out three nights a week, and she’s hanging out on work nights. The only time I see her is when she’s on the phone making more plans or leaving the house. How do I ask her to choose me, or her friends and her new party life?
Walt
Phoenix, AZ

Dear Walt:
There’s a possibility your problems are more about the relationship than about her friends. You should offer to join her when she goes out, and if she says no, then be prepared to have a conversation. Be direct and ask her why she has the need to be so active, what can you do to improve your social life and be willing to make personal changes. However, if her honesty hurts your feelings, don’t take it personal, but use the feedback to improve your situation.

Dear Deanna!
I am happily single and really enjoying life. My family and friends keep annoying me, saying I should be in a relationship. I am tired of them blindsiding me with dates, hook-ups and single men. I protect myself when it comes to sex and work hard and make my own money. How do I tell my family thanks, but no thanks?
Single and Loving It
Tampa, FL
 
Dear Single:
If you’re happy and having the time of your life, then you should tell your family to mind their own business. If you’re not displaying the signs of a desperate woman in need of a man, they should back off. You’re independent in more ways than one, and your family should respect that. Let everyone know that you’re happy, not seeking a relationship at this time, but when you do, you’ll ask for referrals. Until then, stay safe, make good decisions, and keep it moving.
 
Dear Deanna!
My mother-in-law is causing tension in my marriage. She’s sexy, youthful and has implants but I’m not attracted to her. I am happy with my wife. My wife has self-esteem issues because of her weight and sees her mom as competition. I often tell her that her mother is fake because of the plastic surgery. Our marriage is suffering because my wife has it in her mind that I want her mother. Is there anything I can do in order to boost her self-esteem?
James
Topeka, KS
 
Dear James:
You have no business commenting on your mother-in-law’s implants nor calling her sexy. This makes it look as if you’ve spent time looking at her and sizing her up. You wife has been observing your behavior and actions in the presence of her mother, and it has made her insecure. If your wife sees her mom as competition, she needs to lose weight, improve her appearance and work on her own happiness. Your encouragement, coupled with her self-improvement is the solution to bringing the happiness back and saving your marriage.
 
Dear Deanna!
I had a divorce party celebrating the end of my marriage. My ex-husband came to the party with a girlfriend half his age, his family started a fight and the party was a disaster. Things were great until someone got drunk and started talking about the bad things in our marriage that caused our divorce. Initially my husband agreed to help pay for the party but now that we have damages, I’m stuck with the bills. Is it wrong to take him to court to get my money?
Happily Divorced
Washington, DC
 
Dear Divorced:
Your husband obviously didn’t give you much when you were married, so you should expect even less now that you’re divorced. You were foolish to make a mockery of marriage and divorce with this party, and, in essence, you got what you deserved. You’re going to face further embarrassment, airing of dirty laundry and humiliation if you take this clown show to court. Suck it up, count your loss and keep it moving.
 
Dear Deanna!
I believe you can love two people at once. I have two girlfriends and need to be open and honest with both of them. I get certain things from each woman that helps me have a whole relationship. When I want seriousness and structure, I go to the left, and when I want to be laid back and free, I go to the right. I would never disrespect either woman and truly love each one.  How do I approach this with these ladies with respect and hopes of keeping them both?
Mason
Oklahoma City, OK
 
Dear Mason:
With the growing issues of infidelity and HIV, you’re playing a sloppy game of Russian Roulette with your life. No matter how much you love these ladies, you’re selfish and living as a liar, a cheater and a deceiver. You can approach them separately with direct verbal communication. If they have low self-esteem and are willing to share a man, more power to you.  However, you may get slapped in the face and dumped, which may be a blessing in disguise.
 
Dear Deanna!
I’ve been in love with one of my best friends for six years. He doesn’t pay me any attention, and I poured my heart out and told him I want to date him. He laughed at me, rubbed the top of my head and told me that my confession was cute. I feel embarrassed and it seems as if our friendship isn’t the same. Did I make a mistake by sharing my feelings, and is there a way I can fix this? I want things to go back to being the way they were.
Michelle
On-Line Reader
 
Dear Michelle:
Your friend views you only as a pal, especially since he rubbed the top of your head like a dog. You didn’t make a mistake, because you at least know that you don’t have a romantic chance or hopes for a relationship. Look on the bright side and be glad you didn’t throw yourself at him sexually and make a bigger fool of yourself. Get over it. Be thankful you have a good friend, and be a good sport as you look back on this experience and have a good laugh. 
 
 
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! Via Email:  askdeanna1@yahoo.com or 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211
Visit her website at www.askdeanna.com.