Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based subjects.
Dear Deanna!
My husband’s old affair is tearing me apart. First we had one child and then another one before we got married. I later learned he had an affair with a woman that stroked his ego during my first pregnancy. He claims it was one time but the way she stalked him, harassed us and bothered us for a few years made me doubt it. He confessed when the phone calls started, but I still can’t get the affair out of my mind when I look at him.
Anonymous
On-Line Reader
Dear Anonymous:
You set yourself up for drama by getting pregnant without the wedding ring in the first place. You can’t lay too much blame on his actions because he wasn’t officially your man. If this is in the past, you need to leave it there. Unless he’s doing something that’s current, then get over it. You’re causing yourself pain and agony from an old wound. Seek professional or spiritual counseling to get to the root of your pain. Squash it and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I’m in prison responding to advice you gave a lonely inmate. With a few years left of his sentence, you told him to focus on getting a degree instead of worrying about a woman on the outside. I feel you’re wrong. You also didn’t tell him what kind of degree he needs. He needs a woman because it’s lonely in prison, and companionship will help his time pass faster and keep him mentally stable.
Anonymous Inmate
Soledad, CA
Dear Inmate:
He had the chance to build a relationship and grow a family when he was free but lost that chance when he committed a crime. Regardless of the major, an educated ex-con will find employment faster than one with no books on the brain. A woman will love you like Luther Vandross behind the ink pen but when it gets serious, she’ll start singing no romance without finance and you gotta have a J-O-B to be with me.
Dear Deanna!
I saw my pastor shopping with the church checkbook. I could see the church logo, name and everything on the outside cover. A clerk was trying to refuse the check because it was a business check and required signatures. My pastor pulled rank and said he was authorized. Then he signed two signatures, winked at me and told me to turn the other cheek. What do I do about this?
Sylvia M.
St. Louis, MO
Dear Sylvia:
You sure that wasn’t Jim Baker? Your pastor is a thief setting a bad example for the congregation. The pastor knew this was wrong especially if he advised you to look the other way. What part of Exodus 20: Verse 15 “Thou Shall Not Steal” doesn’t he understand? Pray for your pastor and God’s guidance as you report this to the church governing board. Telling is not between you and man, but you and your dedication to God and protecting His house.
Dear Deanna!
My daughter is devoted to pursuing a singing career. She is now discouraged because she feels that after five years of trying, her prayers are not being answered. She feels a bit distraught when she sees other teenagers her age "breaking in." She has won numerous competitions and has appeared at the Apollo Theater. I see her pain and hurt with her. I know that my faith tends to bend a little, but never in front of her. What else can I do to help?
Concerned
South Carolina
Dear Concerned:
The first step is to make a demo tape and prepare a media kit. Once you have this presentation you’re ready to submit her information to record labels, music scouts and other industry professionals. However, be prepared to do some work and ensure she has stage presence and can be entertaining. Her day will come soon as it’s meant to be, but you have to be prepared for true luck, which is simply being ready when the opportunity presents itself.
Dear Deanna!
My mother, husband and daughter have been driving me crazy for three years. My husband is illiterate and I work two jobs. I have to do everything, and he only wants to have sex. We got kicked out of our home and had to move in with my mom who hates him and doesn’t want me with him in her house. My daughter hates him too. He’s cheated, but we can’t seem to leave each other. I love him and sometimes hate him. What do I do?
Anonymous
On-Line Reader
Dear Anonymous:
Your husband needs to get hooked on phonics so he can help you with some of the financial and household pressure. Your mother and daughter love you and simply can’t stand to see your husband put you through so much drama. Issue an ultimatum to your husband that he has to learn to read and write, get a job and stop his cheating. If not, he needs to leave your mothers home while you get yourself together and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My best friend just purchased a new car. She’s very materialistic, but that has never been a problem with our friendship. Now that she has a new car, she doesn’t call, we don’t hang out, and I hardly see her. She’s hanging with some new girls that never thought about her before. I feel she’s being used but her new friends have talked her into thinking I’m jealous. How do I let her know I’m still here for her no matter what?
Asia
Jacksonville, FL
Dear Asia:
In order to have a good friend you must be a good friend and your girlfriend obviously isn’t with the program. She’s temporarily in the fast lane taking a walk on the wild side, which will soon fade. You should move on with your life and get a new hobby, set of friends or whatever it takes to keep busy. Pray for your friend because she’s being used like toilet paper and be there for her when the chips fall down.
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Dear Deanna!
My fiancé cheated before we were married and I recently learned that he’s still seeing the woman he cheated with. I want to get out of the relationship but feel we should go to counseling. I find it hard to forgive him because I’m scared he’ll do it again. What should I do about this?
Anisha
Washington, DC
Dear Anisha:
You had your warning signs before you got married and you knew what you were getting yourself into. Most women that are in tune with their relationship know when their mate is cheating. You should seek professional counseling not only for your marriage but yourself as well. If it doesn’t work you’ll be able to breathe instead of sharing your spouse or walking around being scared and worrying about a man.
Dear Deanna!
If a relationship is doing well and things are fine without marriage, why do women complain? I’ve been with my girlfriend for nine years and sometimes she rants about being legal and having a piece of paper justify our relationship. I feel it won’t make any difference because we have love and neither one of us is going anywhere.
Ronnie Turner
Beaumont, TX
Dear Ronnie:
If you love the relationship and the woman, you should do the right thing and not fornicate by living the shacking lifestyle. Marriage will change things for the better because you’ll have the true blessing of God over your relationship as well as many marriage perks and benefits. After nine years, quit playing and do the right thing.
Dear Deanna!
I’m over 50 and dated a guy for six years but we split due to his financial problems and other issues. I left his house and moved on. We were separated for two years and recently got back together. He has proposed and now I’ve learned that he’s cheating, lying and doing the same things that led to the initial split. My adult kids despise him and are trying to talk me out of this relationship. What do I do?
J.C.
Inglewood, CA
Dear J.C.
You’re a hot mess and you know it. At your age you don’t need to appear desperate as if you have no options. You broke up for a reason and, obviously, you didn’t build anything with this man, so why be a fool and go back. You’re setting yourself up to pay all the bills, a lot of heartbreak and exposure to sexual diseases. Avoid being pathetic by listening to your kids who also confirms this man is a loser.
Dear Deanna!
I’m in the middle of a bad divorce and still intimate with my ex-husband. Although we didn’t get along, couldn’t build a life or raise our family together, we were able to bond physically. The reason we’re divorcing is due to outside affairs with other people, financial problems and marrying too soon. I want to move on with my life but for some reason, manage to keep this
part of the relationship going. Am I wrong for doing this?
Worried Divorcee
Atlanta, GA
Dear Worried:
Sex is the fuel for a relationship and not the glue. If you’re divorcing your husband, you need to immediately cut all physical ties. You’re short changing yourself by giving him your body because it’s obvious he didn’t respect you as a wife and won’t respect you as a homey lover friend. Learn from your mistakes and if you must have a man, be a better judge of character and find one that will respect you more than your husband and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My girlfriend is a woman with a cute face but she’s voluptuous and doesn’t understand that all fashions aren’t suitable for her. I love her and think she looks good in most things but not everything. It’s hard for me in public when people stare at her or snicker and make rude remarks. When I address this issue we argue. Please give me some options because I’m tired of being embarrassed and my suggestions aren’t working?
Matthew
Boston, MA
Dear Matthew:
Your partner has a mental problem because she probably has a size 18 shape with a size five outlook. This is not cute and you need to offer Jenny Craig or a shopping spree. If she still refuses then you need to flip the script and approach her weight issue from a health perspective and encourage her to lose weight. If not, just be there, because her feelings will get hurt really good one day if she still insists on walking around looking like a sausage.
Dear Deanna:
My sister listens to music that is vulgar and explicit. She listens to any type music and doesn’t care that she’s exposing her children to adult lyrics and content. Her children are now beginning to repeat the lyrics and she gets upset and shouts at them. She can’t see that they’re simply repeating and singing the songs. Other than turning off her music, what other options are there?
Anonymous
Seattle, WA
Dear Anonymous:
Your sister is ignorant and using bad judgment on this simple common sense issue. Obviously she’s not a rocket scientist and should see her kids are imitating art, in this case, the bad art of explicit lyrics. Write the lyrics to some of her music and give it to her on a sheet of paper. When she looks at this mess in black and white, perhaps she’ll have a change of heart, and be more of an adult when it comes to what she listens to around her children.
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! Via Email: askdeanna1@yahoo.com or 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her
Website at www.askdeanna.com. |
