By Jamie Villalobos

For nearly five years I have worked with people living with HIV. I am proud to see that as a society, we actively work to fight against HIV and AIDS.  We donate, we walk, and we pray for all those affected by this heart-breaking disease. We are unified in our hope that one day there will be a cure.
African Americans represent 17 percent of newly diagnosed AIDS cases in Colorado.  Nationally, African Americans have seen an increase in the rate per 100,000 in the last five years, up 28 percent. This information serves as a catalyst for a discussion about the disclosure of HIV/AIDS.  Have we really thought about those infected with HIV/AIDS? Have we honestly supported those living with HIV by making it safe for them to disclose their status to us? What is the answer when we ask, “Are my family members, friends, or even sexual partners comfortable enough to disclose their HIV/AIDS status to me? Have I created an environment that is safe for them to share with me?” Over time, I have come to sense how difficult and terrifying disclosure has become for our loved ones infected with HIV. 

I have pondered how I would want someone who is HIV positive to disclose his status to me. I also wonder how I would ask someone if he was HIV infected. Like anyone, I would like to know prior to sexual contact. Understandably, for most individuals in the heat of a sexual moment, someone’s status may seem like the last thought. Yet it’s critical to know before proceeding. We may want to just hope or perhaps believe, “Wouldn’t he just tell me so I don’t get infected?” But the truth is we must engage in the conversation and we may have to be the one to initiate the question. It can be an intimidating question, but it’s an issue that must be brought to light before a relationship goes to the next level of intimacy.

I understand that the person who is infected with HIV needs to take responsibility for disclosing his status prior to a sexual encounter. But how, as compassionate people, can we help those we care about disclose to us?

First, we should begin by demonstrating our compassion for others by knowing our own HIV status. If you have not been tested, do so. You cannot know if you are HIV positive unless you have been tested. About one of every four persons living with HIV in the U.S. is unaware they are infected because they have not been tested. The Colorado AIDS Project offers free and confidential testing every month. Our compassion begins with this step.

Next, if you have not been tested you owe it to the other person to let him know, especially before a sexual encounter. This may take some strength, but it defines character to be honest about your knowledge of your status. You may face a negative response and refusal of intimate contact. The other person may threaten to cut off communication. If you haven’t been tested, take a moment to evaluate your feelings about the possibility of being rejected. Think about how good it would be to know your status and to have a conversation about the choices that follow. The discussion shows the respect you have for yourself and for the other person. For many, the future of the relationship will not lie in a person’s status.

On the other hand, you may wonder, “How do I ask this person I care about if he is HIV positive?” First, you need to prepare by asking yourself, “Would I still date this person if he was HIV positive?” If not, then respect that person’s privacy. Don’t ask out of curiosity if you know you really don’t want to continue the relationship. If you are clear that it does not matter what the answer is--positive or negative--ask in a calm and loving manner. Be supportive. Begin by sharing that you do not care if the person is HIV positive, but just that you need to know. Have your responses prepared beforehand and never confront abrasively, in anger, or with disrespect.

As a society, we must realize that loving our family, friends, or partners should be based on their spirit and heart. There’s so much judgment in our society, yet we don’t have to be a part of it. If each of us declares, “I will not be judgmental,” we can begin to destroy the power of judgment. I continue this work because many still need our encouragement, love, support, and non-judgmental mentality. I encourage you to carry out compassion with honesty for others and support for those who are afraid to disclose their status.

Editor’s note: Jamie Villalobos is Case Manager for the Colorado AIDS Project. To talk to someone about HIV and AIDS contact CAP at 303-837-0166. For more information about CAP visit coloradoAI