Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based subjects. Ask Deanna! can be heard every Sunday on KTYM AM 1460 at 3 p.m. in Los Angeles.

Dear Deanna!
One of my friends has the bad habit of talking about people. I don’t have a problem until she starts being loud and the person she talks about can hear. We’ve had quite a few fights and embarrassing situations because of her mouth. Now that she has this reputation of being a trouble maker, people are thinking I’m the same way. My friends step away when I show up and they think I gossip and start trouble as well. I’m torn between two sets of friends and need help.
Anonymous
Ventura, CA
Dear Anonymous:
You know good and well that you’ve tossed your two cents into the game a few times and now you want to run and hide. The best thing you can do is tell your friend to grow up and have some discretion if she chooses to talk about people. If she can’t take your advice, she’s not a friend and you should only deal with her one-on-one or on the phone unless you want to borrow trouble. Also, if she can’t say anything good about people, she should be quiet.

Dear Deanna!
My husband had gastric by-pass surgery and he’s a new man. The only problem with this is the fact he’s a new man for everyone but me. He has become so confident, outspoken and charming that he seems like a different person. When I say something about his behavior he gets upset. He accuses me of keeping him fat all through the years and that I don’t want him to be happy. Our marriage is headed for disaster and I don’t know how to get through to him.
Frantic Wife
Baton Rouge, LA
Dear Frantic Wife:
There were problems in your marriage before your husband stopped being a fat boy. Now that the weight is no longer an issue, he’s confident and coming out of your shadow, his insecurities are gone and he’s doing things he enjoys. You should celebrate his weight loss and be proud to start on a new journey and new chapter in both your lives. Otherwise, you’ll be in the corner with a silly look on your face and when he leaves you won’t know what hit you.

Dear Deanna!
I was the other woman in a relationship and now that I have the man, it’s not all I thought it would be. We are living together and I’ve learned that he’s a slob, his finances aren’t right and I got fooled by what I thought was a fantasy. I see his wife all the time and she looks happy and I feel miserable because of what I did to her as well as the situation I’m in. I want to tell this man to go back to his wife but he thinks things are fine. How do I tell him my true feelings?
The Other Woman
Online Reader
Dear Other Woman:
Boy oh boy, did you get fooled thinking somebody else’s grass was greener on the other side. Actually you got what you bargained for because you had no business with someone else’s husband. You should feel bad because you wrecked someone’s home, messed up your life and he’s probably on his way to cheat with someone else. As for the wife being happy, you did her a favor by making it easy to get rid of him. You made your bed hard now sleep in it!

Dear Deanna!
I have a situation where I’ll be wrong no matter what happens. My sister and I were talking and she made a comment that if I knew her husband was cheating I probably wouldn’t tell her. Imagine my surprise that she said this because he’s having an affair.  I’m the other woman and we’ve been seeing each other for a while. I feel guilty because I think she’s suspicious, just not of me. I need some help breaking this to news to her. 
Confused Sister
Jacksonville, MS 
Dear Confused: 
Pull out a pen and add the words trifling, low-life, and scandalous next to your face. You need to let her husband know that you’re going to tell and then see how much he loves his wife when he lies, places all the blame on you and throws you under the bus. If they stay together, your new title will be tramp while the family looks down upon you. If he leaves, you won’t be on his list of selections. Grow up and learn some family values and get your own man.

Dear Deanna! 
I always thought my relationship with my girlfriend was solid to where she doesn’t have to play games. I’m honest, I don’t mess around and I take care of her as a man should. She caused a problem in this relationship when she hired a private detective to follow me and take photos. The only bad thing that came out of this was photos of me with my daughter. I never told her about my daughter because I wasn’t sure and now we have trust issues behind this. What should I do?
Greg
Charleston, SC
Dear Greg: 
You started the relationship off with a lie by not being honest about your child. You may be unaware that you displayed some strange behavior that made her start losing trust. More than likely, she observed your phone calls, money going out of the household and mysterious disappearing acts that come with parenting. She was correct in thinking there was another woman, just not a child. Explain your actions, apologize with sincerity then introduce the two women and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna! 
My brother thinks the world revolves around money, how much things cost and having the top of the line cars. He flaunts his wealth and when we tell him we’re not interested, he accuses us of being jealous. It has gotten to the point we don’t invite him anywhere, we send him cards for all holidays and we can’t get through to him. He always ruins everything with his attitude and we’re tired of it. We would love him the same if he was broke but he doesn’t see this.
Trudy
Online Reader 
Dear Trudy: 
Your brother has some personal issues that may stem from childhood. He over compensates himself with material things because he’s insecure and unsure of himself.  If he was successful and confident, he wouldn’t make himself look big at the expense of others nor would he disrespect people that have less. If the family is on the same page, have a discussion with him and if doesn’t work give him the hand and let him stay at home with all of his stuff.

 Dear Deanna!
I am in a relationship that I now see as potentially abusive. My boyfriend is older than I am and he tries to control me. At first I thought it was cute and protective.  Now I’m afraid because he shouts at me if he sees me looking at another man and he makes me dress and look like an old maid. I hardly recognize myself and I am miserable and unhappy but afraid to leave. What suggestions do you have that could help me live again?
Trapped
Dayton, OH
Dear Trapped:
All you have to do is realize you only live once and life doesn’t give you a practice test. You have one shot and your one shot is being taken away by an insecure older man.  Use your mind and find a job and a place to live. Once you have this established get up one day, take a bath, pack your bags, lay your key on the table and walk out the door.  The only way you can have freedom is if you choose it. If not, your life will become worse and then you die.

Dear Deanna!
My girlfriend lives in a fantasy world and it’s hilarious. There’s always drama around her and she looks really weird.  Initially I was fine with the hair extensions, fake eyelashes and breast implants. Now she’s injected her lips and her extensions are past her waist.  I’ve been slowly pulling out of the relationship because her behavior and appearance is embarrassing. She tries to act like a Diva, thinks she has class and I’m tired of being in a cartoon. Help!
Jake
Wilmington, NC
Dear Jake:
You know good and well you were attracted to this dumb stuff in the beginning and that’s why you entered the relationship in the first place. However, after the character you call a girlfriend started affecting you, it became a problem. You can always be bold and ask “will the real person stand up” or you can be like Elmer Fudd and say “that’s all folks” and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!
I wish my friends would stop imposing their views upon me. I don’t have to reveal my religious beliefs to no one because it’s my business. My friends are high and mighty in the church and always want to judge me and tell me that I’m going to Hell when I die. They always want to look at my life but forget that they’re fornicating, drinking and living with men. How do I get them to leave me alone without being too rude?
Alisha
Queens, NY
Dear Alisha:
You can shut them down immediately with the scripture from John Verse 8, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. You’ll notice that if you flip the script and highlight the Word on them, they’ll back off and take a look at themselves. As for judgment no human can determine who goes where. However, you can stay on the plus side and avoid the heat by doing the right thing, living right and keeping the faith.

Dear Deanna!
I’m stressed over my relationship and don’t know what to do. My boyfriend plays mind games with me and I never know where I fully stand. One day he seems to love me to death and others he seems as if he wants to walk out the door. I feel suspicious that he may have someone else but I can’t confirm it. He comes home every night and he may be moody or short tempered most times but at least he’s at home. Can you help me figure out what I’m doing wrong?
Trinae
Dallas, TX
Dear Trinae:
You’re making the mistake of wasting your time hoping this man will trip and fall in love with you and tell you what you want to hear. He’s not connected to you and there’s someone or something else pulling him away. He may be with you each night but his attitude and temperament indicates he doesn’t want to be there. The end of your relationship is near and you should enjoy the ride and prepare to move on because the end is certainly on the horizon.

Dear Deanna!
My wife has become a stranger that I don’t recognize anymore. She’s defensive when I ask personal questions and always has a chip on her shoulder. I love her but I am not going to be mistreated, used or disrespected. She is pushing things too far now because she’s embarrassing me in front of her friends. I don’t know what is happening but her appearance, her mood and everything about her is different. How can I get to the bottom of these changes?
Anonymous
Online Reader
Dear Anonymous:
Your wife is showing guilty signs of having an affair. Whomever she is seeing has boosted her self-image, her confidence and she’s become happy and bold.  However, when she returns to reality and sees your face, she becomes deflated and rude which causes her to lash out at you over simple things. You need to be a real man and share your concerns, point out the changes and either accept or reject her explanations and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!
I loaned money to my girlfriend’s husband and now he won’t pay the money back. I did this personal favor without talking to my friend first. He is now telling me to stop harassing him or he’s going to accuse me of trying to sleep with him. I’ve been sending him e-mails to call along with text messages and I’ve called his cell phone. I thought I was doing the right thing by not mentioning the loan. How do I get my money without jeopardizing my friendship?
Miss CeeCee
Atlanta, GA
Dear CeeCee:
It’s to your advantage to go ahead and write the money off unless you’re willing to bring drama in your life. If there’s no promissory note or paper trail indicating you loaned the money and it would be paid back, you’re stuck. You’re being blackmailed and it’s going to get worse. Tell your friend about the loan, stop looking for payment and whatever happens in their relationship is not your fault because you chose to be honest and have integrity.

Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! at askdeanna1@yahoo.com or at 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her Web site at www.askdeanna.com.

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