Real People, Real Advice

 
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based
subjects.

Dear Deanna!
My husband of three years has tried to keep me from achieving my dreams and goals. We dated for many years prior to marriage, so my desires are no surprise. He has sabotaged my work by deleting files from my computer, erasing voice mail messages and losing important mail. I am going to be successful and want my husband to be a part of my success. We are both working dead-end jobs, but my success would free both of us. How do I fix this situation?
Shattered Dreams
On-Line Reader

Dear Shattered:
Your husband is jealous and doesn’t want to see you succeed. He can see the big picture of your success, and it is making him feel insecure because he will no longer be the big guy. You should involve your husband as much as you can and invite him to help you. This will allow him to be a part of the success and also have a feeling of achievement. Working as a team will help you reach your goals faster, leave your dead end job sooner and move forward in success together.

Dear Deanna!
I’m an older woman and have decided that I no longer want to be a slave to my children. I retired after my husband died, but my children have made me into a babysitter. I love my grandchildren and find it hard to say no, but I’m ready to get out more and spend less time with them. How do I address this situation with my children without hurting my grandkids in the process?
Loving Grandma
Atlanta, GA

Dear Grandma:
Your grandkids don’t drive, can’t pay bills or make decisions concerning where they go. Therefore, your children are taking advantage of you and using the grandkids to melt your heartstrings. You need to have a private discussion with your adult children and let them know how you feel. In the process, you should work out a schedule to accommodate your lifestyle that allows you to spend the time you want with the grandkids, and all should be happy.

Dear Deanna!
I think it’s disrespectful how my brother’s wife pretends to be so helpless with the men in the family. My brother is a trucker and he’s on the road most of the time working. She purposely calls the other husbands, seeking help with her plumbing or car problems and to ask stupid questions. The women in the family see through her and think she’s a big flirt. How do we address the problem without being viewed as “haters” or accused of jealousy?
Tina
Charleston, SC

Dear Tina:
This can be handled through dialogue and communication. Address the issue with your brother first and share your plans with him. Then address the concerns with your sister-in-law as a group. Provide solutions by giving her a directory of names, phone numbers and addresses for every problem she could possibly encounter. Lastly, each of you needs to talk to your spouse as well and issue boundaries regarding them jumping to her every call. 

Dear Deanna!
My sister has been a single parent for the past twelve years. I’m worried because she’s now dating, but not managing her household. My niece and nephew have turned into rude, smart-mouthed children and in need of discipline. There have been arguments because I think my sister is choosing a man over her responsibilities. There is no food in the house, her bills are late, and the children still haven’t met her boyfriend. Am I wrong to get in the middle of this?
Cecilia
Tampa, FL
 
Dear Cecilia:
It’s okay to provide support to your sister and her kids, but focus on their health and welfare first and your sister’s relationship second. These kids didn’t become misbehaved overnight, and now that a man’s in the picture, your sister’s lifestyle is more noticeable. Unless there’s commitment on the horizon, there’s no urgency for the kids to meet their mom’s boyfriend. You’re respectfully doing the right thing with good intentions and can provide solutions.
 
Dear Deanna!
I disagree with teen dating and feel kids shouldn’t have dates until they finish high school. All of the young teens in our family are dating and they are all a mess. The girls are going through stress, crying and wearing a lot of make-up. The boys want to be thugs and are going through many girls for the notches on their belt. I’m viewed as the old maid in the family, but my children are stress-free because I don’t let them date. When is the right age to begin dating?
Anonymous
San Bernardino, CA
 
Dear Anonymous:
With a good foundation, teens can successfully have friends of the opposite sex. Regardless of the word “dating” or “relationship,” the younger generation needs to learn bonding and social skills as they interact with each other. Juniors and seniors do well with dating because their life skills are becoming sharp and defined. There is no set age, but you need to loosen your strings because when your kids get out there, they may get wild and cause you heartbreak.
 
Dear Deanna!
I gave my bankcard to my son’s mother for an emergency, with the understanding that she withdraw only a certain amount of money and then give my card back. Instead of obeying, she emptied my account and refused my phone calls for two weeks. Now she’s mad because she tried to sue for child support, and the dollar amount is less than what I’ve been giving her. I can’t trust her and plan to help with my son, but it’s not my fault she’ll get less money now. Should I feel guilty about this?
M.J. Clark
Charlotte, NC
 
Dear M.J.
You’ve played by the rules, and there’s nothing more you can do but be the best father you can.  The child’s mother got what she deserved because she stole money from you which goes against God’s commandment, Thou Shalt Not Steal. Karma has a way of swinging back, and trying to be cute with child support is a game that doesn’t need to be played. Consider this a lesson learned, and if your child needs money or anything else, do it yourself.
 
Dear Deanna!
I think I’m in a relationship that is one-sided. In the beginning, my boyfriend and I shared a lot, communication was good, and we talked about our goals. Now we don’t do anything recreational unless I make a suggestion and pay for everything. I keep trying to love him, support him and find out what’s going on. He won’t respond, but he won’t be rude nor leave the house. I’m very confused, and these mixed signals make it worse. How do I get through to him?
Going Crazy
Toledo, OH
 
Dear Going Crazy:
Your boyfriend has simply fallen out of love with you. He thinks he’s being nice and respectful, but he’s really being dishonest with you. He has some pent-up feelings and thoughts that will only come out if you ask direct questions. You should ask him to share his feelings about the relationship, find out where you stand and if he wants to be with you. Don’t make assumptions, but rely on his direct response and actions, and be willing to take the good with the bad.
 
Dear Deanna!
My cousin is dating someone but they have an open relationship and have been known to date other people. They still have a good relationship because they are upfront with everything. Now, her boyfriend is interested in dating me on the side. I am also interested in him, but I don’t know how my cousin will react. I know it wouldn’t be anything serious, because they often joke about the people that try to come between them. Should I date him anyway?
Anonymous
Dallas, TX
 
Dear Anonymous:
This is not the solution if you want something meaningful in a relationship complete with respect and sincerity. You already know going in that you would have your cousin’s leftovers and everyone else’s, because he’s a recreational dater. Then you have to ask yourself if this man is worth the confusion with your cousin and family drama that will be sure to follow. Choose someone else to date, unless you purposely want to be second fiddle with no options.
 
Dear Deanna!
I’m engaged to a good man and we love each other. He cheated on me and got someone pregnant, yet I stuck by his side from the beginning to the end. He has no plans of leaving me, but the child’s mother doesn’t understand that. She’s using every trick she can think of, but he won’t budge. We are getting married soon. Am I supposed to sit and watch or is there something I can do to help him?
Committed
Hickory, NC
 
Dear Committed:
It’s good that you’re standing by your man and even better that you’re getting married. Your future husband obviously told this woman things she wanted to hear, because there’s a baby, and she has hope. Your fiancée is the key to this puzzle. He needs to establish a paternity suit, make child support decisions and a custody arrangement. You need to support him while he puts things in order, and then go into a clean marriage with no baggage.

Dear Deanna!

I have to choose who I want to marry. I have a childhood friend who would love to be with me, but I don’t feel any fireworks for him. I really want to marry my ex-boyfriend but I know he would only marry me for stability since he has a history of unemployment. I am anxious to become a married woman, but I’m having a tough time with this decision. Neither man has expressed this interest, so I will be the one proposing. Who do I choose?
Marriage Confusion
On-Line Reader
 
Dear Confusion:
You are missing the major dynamics of marriage such as a mutual agreement and, of course, a loving committed relationship. This is a union from God and not to be taken lightly or as a game.  Your childhood friend doesn’t deserve heartbreak, and your ex-boyfriend would use you. You deserve better and should invest time in building a loving relationship with someone who has love, trust, and respect and is willing to join in a mutual decision for commitment and matrimony.
 
Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while. He has never told me that he loves me and it’s bothering me. I express my feelings all the time, and he responds with remarks such as “I know” or he’ll say “okay.” This is causing arguments because I want him to say certain things to me, but he won’t do it. He feels I should rely on his actions, but I also need to hear his love now and then. How do I keep this from becoming an issue in this relationship?
Need Love
Richmond, VA
 
Dear Need Love:
If your boyfriend isn’t a verbal guy, then you should indeed, observe his actions. If he is consistent, respectful, considerate and faithful you shouldn’t complain. It won’t hurt to ask him why he refuses to share his love verbally. While you’re having this discussion, let him know why you need his verbal expressions and how it would make you feel. At the end of the day, be wise and appreciate what you have, and don’t ruin things with something this simple.
 
Dear Deanna!
My mother has suddenly refused to baby-sit my children while I go to work. I can’t afford a regular babysitter and she knows it. I don’t pay her because I’m trying to repair my car, take care of my bills and a few other things. My mother asked me to pay her, but I have other priorities to handle. I’m at the point of losing my job, and she acts as if she doesn’t care and won’t help me. She is literally tossing her grandkids out in the cold. How do I handle this?
Meisha
Omaha, NE
 
Dear Meisha:
Your mother is doing you a favor, and you should help her out as much as you can. Your children are eating at her house for free, and extra water, heat and utilities are being used.  Obviously she is fed up and decided to put her foot down. Your mother cares, but she simply wants you to be responsible and provide a little compensation for her assistance. It would be easier if you go ahead and offer a little money, which she’ll appreciate, until you can do better.

Dear Deanna!
My husband came in one day and announced that he wanted a divorce. I didn’t see it coming and don’t understand what happened. We have good kids, our communication is good and our sex life is active. He has been moody at times over the past year, but I didn’t think anything of it.  He hasn’t filed for divorce yet, but he is already moving out of the house. I asked him many questions, but he got very upset when I asked if he was cheating. What do I do?
Torn Wife
Oklahoma City, OK
 
Dear Torn Wife:
Relationships don’t end overnight, and marriages don’t operate like a light switch. There’s a possibility you’ve been so tuned into the perfect life, that you didn’t notice your husband changing. A year is a long time for distractions, and there’s certainly something wrong. There is someone else, especially if he’s moving out and getting defensive when infidelity comes up. Don’t give up or agree to a divorce without counseling, because you deserve an answer.
 
Dear Deanna!
My teen daughter has turned into a hip hop groupie and can’t focus on her schoolwork or her responsibilities. She is constantly hanging posters, spending money on CDs and listening to the radio, trying to win concert tickets. We have tried discipline, punishment and taking her radio away. She has a one-track mind, and we don’t know what to do. What are some suggestions to help us change her habits?
Dawn
Los Angeles, CA
 
Dear Dawn:
The first step is to realize that you are the parent, and your daughter is the child. You should implement some expectations and standards that must be met before other activities. Enforce your guidelines, but also offer positive reinforcement for accomplishments. Once things come into balance, introduce family activities and productive hobbies as entertainment. Eventually her interests will broaden, and she’ll be well rounded and more focused.
 
Dear Deanna!
I believe in open relationships and have no interest in being with one man. My primary boyfriend was fine with this in the beginning. At times, he has had several girlfriends, and it didn’t bother me. Now that I’ve made the decision to get serious with someone else, he is having problems. He wants to change me, and insists that we become committed and only date each other. I’m not interested in this, and I don’t want to lose him or my new boyfriend. What do I do?
Renee
On-Line Reader
 
Dear Renee:
You were open and honest at the beginning of the relationship, so your boyfriend is the one who has to decide. If you agreed to be together on the terms of an open relationship, then he is wrong to expect otherwise. However, if you really care about him, take the chance and choose him, and see what happens. If being with only him doesn’t please you then let him know you tried, and he can stay or leave. 
 
 
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna! is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! Via Email:  askdeanna1@yahoo.com or 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211
Visit her website at www.askdeanna.com.