Editor's note: Ask Deanna! is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based subjects.
Dear Deanna!
I left a relationship twice and each time I went back. After each separation my boyfriend promised he would change by not drinking, not chasing women and would help around the house. It took a month or so before he went back to his old ways. I feel the third time would really be different because he was crying, offering to get saved and begging really hard. What ground rules should I give him if I go down this road again?
Michelle
Jackson, MS
Dear Michelle:
Give him a map with directions to Alcoholics Anonymous, a Bible to show him the way of life and a phone number for a good counselor. If this relationship is going to be successful, he needs to work on his issues before trying to be with you or anyone else. After he makes the commitment to himself, you should support him and re-build your friendship. Only time will tell if he’s sincere and if he sticks to the plan for a while, it’s worth a shot.
Dear Deanna!
I’m an older man and was never involved in raising my children. Their mother played a lot of games, but as long as she got the child support on time, she was happy. My children now have their own children and get mad at me because I won’t give them money left and right. When they were small, they couldn’t make choices, but as adults they could’ve reached out to me. I’m willing to help, but I want a relationship and not just as a money source.
Paul
Norfolk, VA
Dear Paul:
What’s done in darkness comes to light and your children should now see the truth behind your lack of interaction in their lives. As an adult, you could’ve done the outreach as well. What’s done is done and you need to be involved with your children and grandkids as a person instead of a bank machine. Make your wishes known through verbal communication as you build the relationships, set some standards and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
I’m married, but it seems as if my wife takes care of everyone but me. We’re in our early thirties but I feel a lot of her behavior is an act to get out of certain things. When it’s time for intimacy, she’s sick; when I want dinner cooked, she has a headache; when I want to go out and socialize, she’s tired. But if her friends or her mother wants something, she’s fine. Is it just me or does my wife not want to do anything for me?
Confused Hubby
Buffalo, NY
Dear Confused:
Your wife has something on the side or she married you for the wrong reasons. She has her excuses organized and ready to launch when you come calling. Play along by sending her to the spa, bring dinner to the house and rent a movie. If she responds, perhaps she only wants some special treatment from you. If she still cries wolf, put her on Front Street with a friendly confrontation and address your concerns and seek solutions together.
Dear Deanna!
I’m married but often go on weekend trips with my friends. My husband issued an ultimatum to adjust my schedule, but I chose not to. He threatened me and said he would leave if I chose my friends instead of going with him to his family reunion. I went on my trip. When I returned, he was gone, the house was empty and utilities disconnected. He won’t talk to me and now wants a divorce, and I don’t know what to do?
Tamara
Louisville, KY
Dear Tamara:
It’s hard to imagine a girlie trip that’s so good it would make you forsake your marriage, unless you’re cheating. Perhaps your friends can give you a cozy couch to sleep on since you put them before your husband. Your decision was foolish, immature and disrespectful. Reach out to your husband and invite him to a friendly location for a huge apology, an explanation and much needed counseling to help with issues you both obviously have.
Dear Deanna!
I’m an older woman dating a younger man. Our relationship is happy and healthy, but his mother has an issue because she and I are the same age. Her son is very mature; we get along well and everything is balanced. We’re starting to have arguments because his mother tries to interfere. We aren’t going to make it unless he stops listening to his mother so much. How do I handle this?
Rose Mary
Dallas, TX
Dear Rose Mary:
You handle it by not robbing the cradle and date men your own age. This is still her baby boy, and she’s simply not willing to accept him being with someone her age. She may feel as if she’s being disrespected, you’re taking advantage of her son, and, most importantly, she’s losing him. You and her son should work together and help her understand your relationship, become friends, and if she doesn’t respond, then too bad and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My father is causing a lot of pain in my family. I made the decision to date and have interracial children. He calls my children horrible racial slurs and makes jokes about them to his friends. My family has now split against me because I choose not to go around my father or participate in things if he’s around. Is there a friendly way to resolve this issue without causing more pain to my children and family?
Derrick J.
New York, NY
Dear Derrick:
Your father is a racist. He should realize that your children have his blood, and he should be ashamed of himself. You’re doing the right thing because no one including your family has the right to disrespect you or your children. To make a long story short, your father needs a good man-to-man visit from you. Firmly let him know you will not tolerate this behavior, and if he wants to see you or the children, he needs to stop this rudeness immediately.
Dear Deanna!
As a mother, I’ve found myself in the middle of a feud between my daughter and her high school friends. A few girls have teamed up, and they beat her up. I didn’t say much. The drama is brewing again, and rumors are going around about another fight. I’ve decided that if they jump my daughter again, I’m going to help her fight these girls. Should I let this happen or do I need to get their parents involved?
Patricia
New York, NY
Dear Patricia:
You should talk to the parents and authorities first and fight these children second. Give the parents an opportunity to intervene and help with the prevention. From that point, if they don’t respond, document your actions, and step in as needed. As an adult, you should make the attempt to talk to these girls, and get to the root of the problem. If that doesn’t work, get ready to fight a gang of girls to protect your daughter and keep it moving.
Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend has lost his mind. He made the decision that he wanted to date three women and still have a relationship with me. He’s a truck driver and is away all the time so it would make sense because I don’t have much time with him anyway. He told me things wouldn’t change, and I should respect him for being honest. Is it wrong for me to give this a try, or should I leave him?
Anonymous
Charleston, SC
Dear Anonymous:
You’re silly if you stay. This relationship would include a total of five people, which magnifies your chances of sexual diseases, HIV and more. If you’re not enough woman for him, then you need to send him packing. He’s had several women from the time he met you and decided to share before he gets caught. Leave him high and dry, because you deserve more than what this buster is giving you.
Dear Deanna!
I’m having a hard time dealing with my wife, and I’m thinking of divorce. We’ve had financial problems, trust issues and differences for 3 years of our 5-year marriage. We married in a hurry because she got pregnant, but I would’ve proposed regardless. I’ve tried counseling, sacrificing, and everything. I’m stressed out and now taking medication. What can we do before we hurt each other, or before one of us has a nervous breakdown?
Preston
Milwaukee, WI
Dear Preston:
You got married too fast for the wrong reasons and didn’t have time to start things the right way. Out of all your complaints, you haven’t mentioned prayer, faith or togetherness. It takes two to tangle and if your wife is part of the burden, you need to bring her in for the solution. Make the ultimate sacrifice and try again with your wife fully involved and you’ll see you can work things out together, instead of killing yourself to do it alone.
Dear Deanna!
My grandmother raised me because my parents were crack addicts. Now that I’m older, I want to see my mother. I’m in the middle of a war because my grandmother feels betrayed, and my mother wants a second chance. I’m grateful and appreciative, but I can’t hate my mother. I’m trying to do the right thing, but my grandmother has threatened to evict me and disown me if I reach out to my mother. What do I do?
Anonymous,
Omaha, NE
Dear Anonymous:
You’re the baby of the bunch that can teach growth and wisdom to these ladies. Your grandmother wants to protect you from further harm, but she’s taking the wrong approach. She’s possessive because with a mother on crack, there are plenty of things you were too young to see or remember. Ask your grandmother to partner with you as you reach out and seek to seal and heal the triangle together.
Dear Deanna!
I tossed my future wife out of the house in the middle of the night. My family is taking her side because she told them about an old affair I had. However, she failed to mention I walked in, and a strange man was asleep in my bed. I only wanted her to be honest about this man right then and there. She never came up with a good reason, so I kicked her out immediately. I’m confused because she wants to return. Should I give her another chance?
Tony
Orlando, FL
Dear Tony:
She’s playing you left and right, and that’s why you can’t see straight. Unless you just fell off the turnip truck, the man in your bed was there for a reason. You did the right thing by getting her out of the house on the spot. You always have the option of staying and faking it, since you’re both cheaters. But you should keep it real and get out of this relationship with the lottery approach and tell your fiancée’ “Don’t play me, play Lotto!”
Dear Deanna!
I have a small habit of hitting my husband. It’s always playful but recently, he said he’s going to start hitting back. I didn’t think anything of it until I slapped him in the back because he wasn’t listening to me. He caught me off guard and hit me so hard that I lost my breath. This has caused a problem because he won’t apologize, and I feel abused. I’m looking at him differently, and wonder is this a warning my husband is physically abusive?
Camille
Pasadena, CA
Dear Camille:
He’s not abusive. As a matter of fact, he’s tired of you beating on him and taking it lightly because you’re a woman. He gave you fair warning, but when he put your lights out you wanted to cry because you didn’t get your way. If he wasn’t physical before, during or after marriage, there’s not much there. If it was that bad, you would’ve called the authorities. In the future, remember and respect his warning and keep your hands to yourself.
Editor’s note: Ask Deanna is written by Deanna M. Write Ask Deanna! at: Askdeanna1@yahoo.com or 264 S. La Cienega, Suite 1283, Beverly Hills, CA 90211. Visit her Web site at www.askdeanna.com
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